英语笑话大全 爆笑简短-英语爆笑小笑话大全

【#少儿英语# 导语】是不是经常听到小孩子的话，都想哈哈大笑呀？小孩子，就是有这种魔力，让您忘记忧愁，忘记烦恼，原来用不同的眼光看世界是这么的让人快乐。下面是©文档大全网为小朋友准备的英语小笑话，这样不仅可以逗孩子笑还可以让孩子学习英文，希望你们会喜欢。

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?" 一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?" 2.a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'" 3.The mean man's party The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了.他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?” “你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答. I think that I'm a chicken Psychiatrist:What's your problem? Patient:I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on? Patient:Ever since I was an egg! 精神病医师：你哪里不舒服? 病人：我认为我是一只鸡. 精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的? 病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始. 4.The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. 鱼网 你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安? 老师发问道。 把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。 2、The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..... 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗? 妈妈问。 妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。 5.The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 疯人院 一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！” 6.a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years. 一名伟人 老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？ 学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。 7.律师、宝马和胳膊 一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。 “警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。 “你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。” 律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?” A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" 《狗住旅店》 一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?” 旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。 A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 8.Who Is the Laziest? Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom:I don't know,father. Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom:Our teacher,father. 中文： 父亲：哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题.你们班上谁最懒? 汤姆：我不知道,爸爸. 父亲：啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课? 汤姆：我们老师,爸爸. 9.Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳击和赛跑 丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？” 丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” 10.buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please." 11.Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson:"But I want you to." Wife:"But why?" Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!" 译文： 老农约翰逊就要死了.他的家人都站在床边.他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯.” 妻子说：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人.” 约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做.” 妻子：“为什么?” 约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我.” 12.I'm Trying to Stop It "Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?" "No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it." “孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗?” “没有,老师.可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进,一个耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.” “I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .” “Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” “对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.” “20美元!为什么?不是说好只要4美元.” “是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四个病人吓跑了.” TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example? John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short. 老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理.现在,谁给我举个例子? 约翰：嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短. 13.Two Cute dogs A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog." 14.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!" 典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？” 乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！” 15.Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism." 抄 袭 我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史,他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文.他把那个学生叫到了办公室.“这不是你写的,”他说,“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来.” “你没有证据.”那学生气急败坏地说. 我朋友笑了,他把论文拿给他看.用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文.” 16.Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened,I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me."You'll get that degree,dear," she whispered."Perseverance is a virtue." 美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后,我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员.一天,电梯里很拥挤,有人抱怨电梯效率太低.我说自我在那里当学生起,20年来电梯一直没有换过. 最后当电梯门打开时,我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下,回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑.“你会拿到学位的,亲爱的,”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德.” 17.Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his patient."You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months." 九个月吧 “克拉克先生,有个坏消息,你只有六个月可活了.”医生告诉他的病人. 病人惊呆了.“六个月我不可能付清医疗费.” “好吧,”医生说,“那就九个月吧.”

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